why am i writing in my livejournal? really, i don't know. I guess because tumblrs not private enough and for some reason dumping all my emotions and boy drama on my friends isn't as fun as it used to be. i don't know what i'm looking for, what i want, what i'm doing. so far i've been kicking ass and taking names in the single life but i'm getting to that point where the sads kick in every once in a while. and i try to remind myself of all the awesome stuff i've been loving lately that i wouldn't get to do if i was in a relationship. and then i remember that i shouldn't even be acting like i can just be in a relationship as soon as i accept the fact i want to. i had that option with mark, but i didn't want to, and now i am pretty sure that has completely passed. he definitely seemed like he came to terms with the fact it wouldn't be anything more than FWB/FBs and then i just kind of phased the whole thing out. i mean, i haven't seen him in two weeks, and that's definitely the longest 'break' between hangouts we've had since this started being a thing.
then there's the whole weirdness with tim now. i don't know if he's waiting for me to make a move or what but i don't really want to deal with the inevitable big deal i will make so i'm just trying to play it cool and not start anything and just leave it up to him which in theory should work because it worked the first time basically but i don't know, he hasn't tried to initiate anything again and i don't know if it's because he doesn't want to, he doesn't think i want to, he's waiting on me, or what. i don't know. and like, tim is someone i could see myself being in a relationship with maybe, and i think if i were to be doing whatever with him than i would want it to be more serious? i guess really i just don't want to be sneaking around and hiding it from all our friends because that just sounds more exhausting then fun right now.
and joe? i had a really good time with him friday night but we were both pretty fucked up (me a little moreso I think, i was definitely drunker, i think he might have been on other stuff). and then when he dropped me off the next morning there was the typical, that was fun we should hang out again soon type exchange and jeeze i really am starting to hate that because i always mean it, if i don't want to see someone again, i'm not going to tell them i do. so when a guy says that to me, and then later i realize, he doesn't have my number, he hasn't added me on facebook, he has no way to get in touch with me. awesome. either he doesn't really want to see me again, or he is just going to hope to run into me somewhere sometime in the near future? because that's dumb.
edit: upon discussion with friends, southern frat boys doing things just to be polite is pretty status quo and this is unlikely to result in a part 2
and then there are all the cute new guys i've met recently that i am considering asking out sometime because that kind of thing doesn't bother me and i feel like i'm getting some alright vibes. definitely asking that kid in podcasting and media tech if he wants to hang out sometime. and yes, literally like that, because that is the super most casual way to ask someone out and it's really hard to imagine someone saying no without looking like a huge douchebag. and since it's so open ended, you can kind of gauge their reaction and see if they actually seem interested or not and that's how you can decide how much effort to put into pursuing an actual date or whatever. also on my shortlist for guys i'd like to spend more time with: those two guys in improv, that kid from okc i went out with last week even though he seems kind of boring, bs!'s new saxophone player because he seems cool and his name is GRIFFIN for goodness sakes. seriously, i am so tired of all these guys with boring one syllable names. yes, i know that is the worst reason for being interested in someone, but really. jim, dan, tom, tim, mark, john, joe omg please, i'm so tired. i have no idea why it bothers me so much.
aaaaaand i'm done.
my first college live journal post and all i want to talk about is last night. david and i had this big tell-all, air out any old baggage so we can stop talking about the past, type nights. because he kind of has a tendency to mention his old girlfriends and whatnot a fair bit and its not that bad, its not like i'm hearing tons of stuff i don't want to know or anything, but last night at first, instead of telling him to sotp, i decided hey, let's just talk about mike until he thinks gosh i wish hayley would stop talking about her ex-boyfriends, maybe i should stop talking about my exes". it was working, i found, when i told him that was what i was doing. but then anyway, i just suggested, that for that night, anything about our past was fair game. anything one of us wanted to get out there, anything we wanted to ask the other about. we got a lot of stuff out there are really opened up and it was so great. because earlier in our relationship, he had said somethign that made me worry that he might not be able to open up like that. and then there was some great phyical chemistry going on too. like, we had done some stuff and it had been good like usual, but then acombination of the opening up and reading some stuff on cosmopolitan.com together helped just push it completely over the top. for him at least. i mean, i really enjoyed it and could tell it was way more intense than usual but he after the fact he mentioned how in the past he would distract himself and put up a mental block as a self defense mechanism, and that he completely put that down that time and oh my god i could tell. like - this is definitely entering tmi zone - when he mutters/whispers stuff while we're doing whatever we're doing, it really turns me on. like, my arm gets tired pretty easily when i'm giving him a handjob, but when he says stuff like "oh god don't stop. that's perfect, don't stop", well, it really makes me not want to stop. and this was the first time he was saying A LOT of that stuf while we were just humping/i was furiously grinding on him. then after the fact he said he HAD to say that stuff to keep his head from blowing off. and now i have to finish changing my sheets because tehy are ridiculously stanky.
Summer was amazing. I had a great fun night yesterday with a ton of friends, we all went out to dinner and ahh it was just so fun and nice. As for Mike, things were great there but now it's time to start moving on. Granted, the other day I wanted nothing of the sort (I texted him - "Am I allowed to miss you, or am I supposed to start with that 'moving on' thing?") but after the closure of last night, I realize there's no point in excessively hanging on to that. Yes, what little time we had together was fantastic and of course I miss him, but I don't know what it would be like if we hung out like, over winter break and I was still clinging on to this romantic idea. Sure, I'm sure if we did, once I saw him, a lot would come rushing back, but until then? I'm not trying to replace him, but we've both got separate lives now and I wouldn't want being stuck on him to get in the way of anything new, and also wouldn't want to be holding on past when he does and then end up so depressed if I find out there's a new lady in his life. I had already been worrying about "What if he stops missing me when I still miss him? Is he already over it? (Not yet, as his reply to my text was "Miss you too :)" and yes I know we use smiley faces way too much when we talk to each other).
Anyway, I'm packing up for the big move now. I leave for Auburn on Friday, move-in Saturday, and classes start Monday. It's all just happening so fast! I wish classes started just one week later so I could have done the move in date the week before classes and then had some time to adjust once I got up there. Oh well.
But back to the summer - I made Mike a mix which I never had the chance to give to him, so I set up a little web page with a download link and "liner notes" (track list and lyric excerpts). He said he was enjoying it very much, but I don't know - can a Wilco/Arcade Fire/Spoon/Rolling Stones/Beach Boys-loving guy ever really musically mesh a Say Anything/Kevin Devine/Brand New/Motion City Soundtrack/all things Nate Ruess-worshipping girl? I think he might have just been saying that. He said he hates Jason Mraz (but all he's ever heard is what's on the radio aka "I'm Yours" over and over and over) so I had to put some of that on there (I refrained from the Fall Out Boy because I don't think that's an artist you can sway someone on) - he has no idea what he's talking about ;)
So anyway - the most bipolar mix ever. I didn't realize how evenly I split the it's been great/this is depressing until just now when I counted - seven of each!http://brokenglass.hayley.googlepages.com/summer2009-makeithappen
ok so i feel fine now. last night was just lame because the party was lame. mike non-appearance is not being taken personally. there are numerous indicators that something good and most importantly mutual is going on between us. and because of this, i imagine it was highly unlikely something happened in that small window of time that would make him choose not to go to the party because he knew i'd be there/. on the flip side, it could be said you'd expect him to put an extra effort into going because he knew i'd be there, but hey, stuff happens. its a nonissue. according to sydney, once at the dance when we hugged there was some sort of violent hip thrust she observed but when she showed me what she saw, i had no recollection of such a thing. and heather thinks it's a good sign that miguel called him four times to try and get in touch with him during the party last night to get him to come. dancing to songs other than stairway. and after the latter, "i love dancing with you". sat together during the slideshow again. then we stood together in the circle until someone called him away to ask him something and his spot got swiped by a bunch of B5ers. but then he came back and squeezed in next to me, even when i pointed out he'd be going in the yellow group circle in the middle anyway. and then the B5ers went into the last yea camper circle and i ended up next to miguel who has been very helpful with the mike thing. they're in B4 together and sydney was telling me how the other night in the resource room, miguel was saying how he wished i'd come to the staff parties oh and mike really wishes i would too. when we were getting into the circle the other night, mike asked me what i was doing that night and it didn't occur to me until later that it could have been a lead into a possible hangout if i had realized it and replied accordingly.
anyway. something goods happening and even if it stays the way it is its still a nice little thing even if it doesn't get physical.
thirteen hours of sleep. still feel like i need more. i was up until one the night before on cabin duty and then got up at 6 because i told brett i would wake up the female campers who wanted to go on the sunrise hike "if no one else would do it". well, um, no one else wanted to. which also meant no one wanted to wake up just to go on the hike meaning 70 kids + 2 counselors and a CIT. which is most definitely not ratio, and thus we couldn't even hike to pebble, we just walked to the swim beach.
this week felt pretty short i think. got back to camp sunday evening, worked on the paddle, went to the luau which was fun of course. had first off again this week (which i've officially decided sucks), second period batik (in which i made the sweetest weezer shirt), third and fifth arts and crafts, and fourth sailing. i know arts and crafts is my thing and its not one of those classes just anyone can teach, but honestly, two periods a week for three weeks in a row and i'm already burning out on it because kids want to do the same thing every day. this next session they'll be little again so i might just not let them choose what they want to do and just say "today we're doing this".
sailing was nice. first water class of the summer and it gets rained out the first day. of course. so the next two days were basically chill with adara in the lake while the kids sail, and then some g2 girls asked me to sail with them on thursday which was nice. i had one of those "strawberry moments" where everything just felt so unbelievably perfect.
felt like i didn't see much of mike this week. or maybe i just never recognized him because he SHAVED HIS HEAD. and beard. except for a rat tail and his 'stache. it was a little sad but he's still cute. you know, for a guy who looked like trailer trash.
yesterday a group of us went to blue highway pizza after camp and it was fun but reinforced how handicapped i am in an unstructured social environment. brett always points out how quiet i am in the car with him and mike but mike wasn't even there on the way to micanopy and i was still quiet which of course brett felt the need to point out. as he did when we were at the restaurant. and then i get totally put on the spot and weird stuff comes up and yesterday at one point i was like, crying and i'm not sure how much of it was from laughter and how much was from being seriously uncomfortable. then mike switched into brett's car since he was going to hang out with him and miles before the "staff meeting." which had the theme this week of "anything but clothes". so even if i wasn't uncomfortable enough going to a drinking party, that compounds with it. lots of people asked why i didn't want to go or tried to convince me to do so and i told them it was because of the drinking (entirely true) but then its also like, if i can barely function with seven other people getting pizza, or during a car ride with two or three, how am i supposed to get along at some crazy party, a scenario i've never experienced AT ALL before? if i was willing to drink, that might help (as suggested by others, of course this thought didn't even occur to me) but i don't really feel like compromising my opinions on underage drinking/drinking with the intent of getting drunk will do any good.
lets just say i'm reading lots of wikihow articles in this category:
its just so weird because i'm pretty normal at camp, completely capable of being loud and outgoing and starting a conversation with pretty much anyone. but even with the same people, once we leave camp? i don't even understand the problem myself.
so we had to write a sonnet for my english class and i started this one and got about half way through and though, what the fuck this is way too personal, i can't turn this in, especially can't read it aloud (for which we get extra credit for and for which i would be expected to do since i'm pretty much teacher's pet in that class)
so i'll put it here so it doesn't go unread( lalalalalaCollapse )
busy day today. i was super tired last night so i went to bed at 7 and then woke up at like 5:30 this morning. heather picked me, laura and janet up for the godspell breakfast fundraiser around 7:30. then we ate cold pancakes and NOTBACON at applebees and was not sung to except by victoria (which we much appreciated). and then denis showed up and it was awkward. but before that perea was talking about frying pancakes in manatee blubber and it was gross but hilarious. and then janet bitched him out a little. i'm not sure why i hate to say it, but i think he's hilarious. i think its because he knows he's funny and i don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing i think so also. and because i did not appreciate his jokes when he made them in the middle of my TOK presentation. ANYWAY i'm glad i don't hate allll of hunter's friends. sean jones even let me eat his pretzels at lunch the other day when i was starving. and then i found out he is completely unaware of the cultural impact of blink-182 and i wanted to slap him upside his head. or at least i told him the collective absolutepunk community would.
two weeks to prom! wow. the last few months have been going scary fast. like, i've been dating hunter three months. what. oh yeah, so today was busy. after denis came and sat with us and made it awkward (we're surprised he didn't make janet move so he could sit by heather), we went gardening at the atrium, which is an old person place. it was nice, i wouldn't say fun, but there were some good moments. i might go again next month. maybe make hunter come with haha.
and thennnn after that we went back to eastside to help out with the mu alpha theta comp. which meant tearing down some signs and then hiding in the tech lab for an hour and a half or so. then walking arund like heyy we've been working! and then laying down in the grass in the front of the school and then going to the awards ceremony. which included janet reading names and me going up to get a stats team trophy for whoever wasn't there. and then going up there with michael cho to get the sweepstakes trophy.
"you're not even in mu alpha theta!"
"yes i am! i paid my dues, i'm in the club, i went to a competition!"
"which one, buchholz?"
"no, the very first one. i've been to more than heather!"
"you didn't even compete today!"
new philosophy: i'm a senior, i do whatever the fuck i want, haha.( musings on what will happen with my relationship in the coming monthsCollapse )